Gong Xi Fa Cai! Recapping a week of CNY Festivities...

Family,

And a good evening to you from across the globe after another GREAT DAY in the Lion City! So I owe everyone a recap of the week's festivities (which have been QUALITY, for the record). And so, without further ado, I present the week in review, better known as "All the raw fish tossing you can handle..."

Tuesday: Taking the Nottingham Pitcher and Piano to a new level - raw burgers in an abandoned church...

So as you probably guessed, Tuesday was ROUGH for Team Taylor. Between arriving at midnight, going to sleep at 2, and fighting off the 49 tons of mucus filling my throat as I slept (gotta love those 3rd world parasites), Sammy the Bull woke up EXHAUSTED (as did Muffin Puffin). And when you add in lunch at a Hawker Center (chicken rice - nothin' like some greasy Muslim cuisine to settle an upset tummy), you have a recipe for Sammy feeling like he'd been SHOT OUT OF A CANON. However, we did rally, and we even hit a new area for dinner.

The featured spot was Bobby's Grill, an "American" diner serving steak and ribs. The interesting aspect was that this restaurant was just one of many restaurants nestled in the remains of an old cloister from a closed Catholic church (the church is still there, but it's now just a storage facility). The area is known as "Chijmes," and it was very cool.

The directions to the place were, well, DONKEY TRASH, and had we followed the instructions on the website, we'd probably be in jail, deported, or caned by now, as we almost ended up breaking into a REAL Catholic Church thinking that was the spot. Luckily an old lady noticed that we looked like the type who spent their Tuesdays at the pub vs. confession, and she headed us off before we trespassed. In our defense, the directions said "look for the church steeple just outside of Raffles City." Well, there is ONLY ONE STEEPLE visible from there - it just happened to belong to a working church. Details...

The place was called Chimes, and it was REALLY cool. I definitely think that we'll go back and check out some different spots, as the layout is really neat. However, I'm not sure if we'll hit up Bobby's again, as the American fare champ remains Brewerkz. That being said, it was tasty.

We met Jackie for din din, and we KILLED some burgers. I asked for medium rare, and it came out, well, MOOING. Now don't get me wrong - I ate it and LOVED it, but it was probably THE WORST thing to eat on an upset stomach. The only difference between that burger and tare tare was the bun. All the same, it was SOOOOOOOOO GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUD (peppy cheekies). We then went home and PASSED out, sacking out around midnight (which was a trend for the entire week.

Wednesday: SABOH!!!!

So Wednesday was CLASSIC, as we had the annual "Ye Sheng Prosperity Raw Fish tossing" ceremony. It took place at 4 PM, and THE ENTIRE FLOOR was gathered around all these tables of Ye Sheng. Martin (my boss) said the first bit, welcoming everyone and saying Happy Birthday (remember - it was "everyone's birthday" on Wednesday). He then said, "Who would like to explain what the Ye Sheng tradition is?" And THAT, dear readers, is when Evelyn Kang "saboh'ed" Samwise.

"Saboh," as they say in Singlish, means "to put one on the spot." In this case, the lovely Evelyn yelled out, "Oh, Sam knows all about Chinese New Year. He can explain it!" Of course, I don't know the FIRST DAMN THING about Ye Sheng. All I know is that you throw salmon at the ceiling and scream out how much you want a Maseratti. So, in the spirit of "Meet the Parents," I spoke in much the same way Gaylord M. Focker did the prayer when he first met the parents:

"Um, so yeah, Ye Sheng is sort of...a meal of...prosperity...where you take chopsticks and sort of...well, throw lots of food coated in ginger and honey at the ceiling...and scream out...in Cantonese...what you want for the new year...loudly...screaming...with food...and Chinese people...for prosperity. CHEERS!"

Yeah - it was pretty painful. That being said, 30 seconds later I was screaming "HUAT AH!!!!" at the top of my lungs, begging for mad cash and chucking food about 40 feet into the air. I haven't seen those cars delivered to my doorstep yet, but then again I suppose I'm in line behind Hitman getting his lawn mowed and Old School Cool getting his fence painted. But hey, I'm not concerned about it happening. After all - "YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!" Maybe...

I logged 4 miles at an 8:27 pace that night at the gym, which felt REALLY good. It had been a week since I'd exercised, and it felt really good to get back and get after it. Honestly, being able to log 4 miles and still have some fuel left was a great sign, as I honestly feel as though I've turned a corner and have now established a baseline level of fitness. Granted, I've got a long way to go before I'll consider myself ready for the Sundown 1/2, but I'm certainly feeling better about things than I did back in December and early January. Oh, and I did manage to get a really cool shot of the laser show coming off the Marina Bay Sands. I can't WAIT to check out the Skypark and the infinity tower up there!

Thursday was honestly silent like the grave. Work was busy, and I logged 50 minutes on the bike. I will say that I started "State of Fear" by Michael Crichton, and it is AWESOME so far. That guy was a rare talent, and he will sure be missed. So many GREAT stories, and this is just another solid effort.

I know, I know - no funny stories or jokes on this day. WEAK.

Friday - Gong Xi Fa Cai!!!!! Bring on the Lion!!!!

So Friday really was EXTRA AWESOME. For starters, the work day was interrupted at 11 AM with an announcement that EVERYONE WAS REQUIRED TO GO DOWNSTAIRS for the CNY celebrations. I mean, can you imagine making this announcement in the states? We can't even get people to go to the breezeway at Gateway Village for free lunch, let along leave their seats for a celebration!

So we get down there to the sounds of cymbols, gongs, and drums erupting FURIOUSLY. What was happening, you ask? The lion dance! That's right - a professional troop had been hired, and we were treated to an EXTRA AWESOME Lion Dance peformance. Granted, I made the mistake of saying, "That Dragon is cool," only to be looked at as though I'd just requested to eat someone's left arm for breakfast. "Oh no, Sam - the dragon is different. The dragon is much bigger." Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...and I should have known that how? Better question, what PART OF THIS COSTUME LOOKS REMOTELY MORE LIKE A LION THAN A DRAGON? Where's Falcor when you need him...(VA - that was for you).

The dance really is awesome, as the lead cat (with the head) jumps onto the back guy's shoudlers, blinks the dragon's eyes, and even throws things with his mouth - it's pretty sweet.

After that, Muffin made some new friends and got in on the act of raw fish tossing - check out perfect pumpkin in action!

Incidentally, the lion then proceeds to come through EVERY floor and dance at every cube. I actually have a GREAT polaroid that Evelyn took of me being consumed by the lion, but I can't get it to load. Rest assured that when I figure out the problem, I WILL be posting that puppy.

The lion actually goes into every office as well (I presume for good luck), and the noise from the drumming is DEAFENING. Seriously - my ears are still ringing - I don't know how the performers deal with this day in and day out over these 2 weeks.

In the evening we (FINALLY) rolled into Chinatown, where we checked out the lights and the festivities before having a great meal near pagoda street. I stuck with normal seafood, but Shogun and Hairless - FRET NOT - Q2 is going to start the "Sammy eats things that should only appear on Man vs. Food" portion of the blog. Bring on the spiced donkey meat!

Okay, that's all the news that's fit to print. I'll recap the weekend in tonight's blog. Chat later today!

Love,

Sam and Jenny

From Dingbat to Delays - wrapping Vietnam...

Family,

And a good Saturday morning to you from across the globe after another GREAT DAY in the Lion City. This morning I'll wrap Vietnam, and then tomorrow morning I'll recap the week. Honestly, so much happened this week that it feels as if I'll be writing another novella then. But hey, no complaints! Okay, let's pick up with Dingbat and our misadventures in the Delta. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you - Vietnam Part IV.

So minus the fact that Dingbat NEVER MENTIONED BREAKFAST TO US even though we asked him 3 times if there a) was breakfast and b) why we were being told a different time to show up downstairs, this second day was actually really good. For starters, we spent a lot of time on the delta, floating past the houses and truly getting a sense for how people live in South Vietnam. Muffin took some AMAZING photos, and traveling at the speed we did gave us the chance to truly observe our surroundings, which was another real highlight of the tour and the chief reason for us selecting the "2 Days in the Delta" option.

As you can tell from the images, the poverty in the Delta is a FAR CRY from the money one sees in Saigon. The average wage for a laborer, fisherman, or farmer in Vietnam is $2 US PER DAY, and whilst that stat meant NOTHING to me in Saigon, it certainly rang of truth down here.

From a living perspective, you can tell that large groups of families live together in these dwellings, many of which are open to the water, ALL of which have cracks, holes, or openings in the walls. You will see women doing their washing in the river, as well as folks bathing. Jenny and I actually had the distinct pleasured of some FULL FRONTAL DUDE NUDITY as he walked (WAAAAY TOO SLOWLY, I might add) into the water from his dock.

All of this was fascinating, but then Dingbat got involved. Again, verbatim:

"Ladies and gentlemen. We now go to floating market. Floating market. It Tet holiday, so not as many boats. But it is floating market. Floating market.'

You will notice that we don't have A SINGLE DAMN PHOTO OF THE FAMED FLOATING MARKET. Why, you ask? Because the floating market was a) pretty much closed for Tet and b) is really just a bunch of boats swapping fruit. Seriously - I thought that we'd be stepping into a floating village, buying all of our Christmas gifts for a grand total of $10, and then having to buy another bag just to lug it all back. But oooooooh, no - that's not how the Vietnamese roll.

It was honestly just a string of boats selling pineapples. And whilst this was cool, I must confess that I was a bit disappointed. However, I did get to chill on a pineapple boat for a bit (eating a fresh, WHOLE pineapple for 50 cents), and the weather was nice, so no complaints really.

The only other hilarious moment of the trip was when Dingbat said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we now go to rice noodle factory. Rice noodle factory. It is closed for Tet, but don't worry - if it closed we find other place. Don't worry. So, we go to Rice noodle factory."

Sure enough, this place was not only closed, but there were TONS OF MOLD AND MILDEW in the bowls that hadn't been cleaned in WEEKS. You see, it's not like these cats had just SHUT DOWN the factory (which was actually an open air grass hut) - OH, NO - this puppy had been SHUT DOWN FOR A MONTH. And since no one had bothered to clean the place prior to bouncing (and since it wouldn't have mattered anyway given that we're in an open air building in the tropics), it was a FUNK FACTORY. However, this didn't stop Dingbat from explaining all the different components of rice noodle making, including telling us how super easy it was.

Being completely honest, it was still interesting. However, it was LESS interesting when we stopped A SECOND TIME, again with the purpose of visiting a rice noodle factory. We had an Aussie blog with us who was a bit a) drunk and b) already frustrated with Dingbat, and so he questioned him. Honestly, I was 5 feet away, and I can confirm the conversation went like this:

Big Obnoxious Aussie Boy (BOAB): "Ding, what are we doing now?"

Dingbat (DB - or should I say Selwyn?): "We go to rice noodle factory."

BOAB: "And is this one open?"

DB: "No. I think is closed."

BOAB: "So why are we going there?"

DB: "To see how they make rice noodles."

BOAB: "And what will we learn there that we haven't already learned from the first factory."

DB: "Maybe is something different."

BOAB: "Who is going to talk to us?"

DB: "I talk."

BOAB: "And are you going to say anything that you didn't say at the first factory?"

DB: "I just show you the things for making rice noodle."

BOAB: "So we won't see anything new."

DB: "Maybe something new at rice noodle factory. At rice noodle factory."

Sure enough, 10 minutes later we're standing on AN ABANDONED DOCK, surrounded by LOCKED DOORS, whilst Ding explains how rice is shipped (it is the world's #2 exporter, btw - just behind Thailand and in front of the US). Honestly, I couldn't help but laugh.

We then went back to the mainland for lunch, where I passed on the local delicacy (field mouse) and opted for squid instead. Jenny and I did make a fun detour and walked through the REAL market, which was AWESOME - POWERFUL smells, lots of crazy characters, and no other white people for MILES. THAT was one of the definite highlights of the day.

The LOW LIGHT was when we returned to the hotel at 2 PM for departure (as instructed), only to find out that Dingbat had already loaded our bus. Consequently, Jenny and I were AGAIN separated, but this time I got a seat with a damn STRIPPER POLE between my legs, which meant that I basically had to drape my leg over the beam (Uptown Cabaret style). Again, this wouldn't have been so bad, but Dingbat steps up just as the engine roars to life:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we now drive back to Saigon. Normally this drive 4 hour. 4 hour. But today people return from Tet. Drive will be very bad. Very bad. Take long time. No take 4 hour. No take 4 hour."

THANKS. Thanks for that.

Sure enough, the drive takes SIX AND A HALF HOURS, and by the time I get off that damn bus, I'm pretty sure that I've got Deep Vein Thrombosis and will be dead by 10 PM. Other colorful moments of the ride:

1. Reading my book was GREAT until the sun went down, at which point ALL LIGHTS IN THE BUS WORKED EXCEPT MINE. I guess they want it dark when you work that stripper pole.

2. We had to pull over every 20 minutes so the driver could OPEN HIS HAND-CUT DOOR into the engine and pour water and oil on it. SERIOUSLY - THIS IS A PROFESSIONALLY GUIDED TOUR.

3. This one drunk guy (RIGHT in front of Jenny) couldn't remember Dingbat's name AND had a bladder like mine. Consequently, every 10 minutes the whole bus heard: "Hey Hong! I need to go to the toilet before I piss myself." Classy guy...

Dinner that night was a GREAT meal in the backpacker's district, after which time we walked home, THRILLED at the prospect of a hot shower. Silly Americans - THERE IS NO HOT WATER IN VIETNAM AFTER 8 PM. Oh, yes - for the second night in a row on "vacation," Team Taylor bathed in water straight from the North Pole.

Monday was a GREAT day, as we hit tons of sights and really made it count. We rolled over to the Old Post Office first, quite the piece of colonial architecture and VERY cool (and obsessed with timezones, for the record). We then wandered over to the Notre Dame (the largest French built cathedral in the world outside of France) for a quick look around before hitting what turned out to be a true highlight - the Reunification Palace.

This spot was the HQ and Presidential Palace of the South Vietnamese Government. The room you're looking at in this photo is the cabinet room where all big decisions were made. And yes - when they first discussed "Vietnamization" and "honor without defeat," it would have happened in this room. I must admit that I was pretty spellbound here, thinking about all of the dicussions that must have taken place in this room, especially as the public opinion turned and the American troops began pulling out.

The entire place was filled with GREAT treasures, as it's largely remained untouched since 1975 when the NVA broke through the guard walls surrounding it on April 30, 1975. It was really, REALLY cool, and I'm so glad we saw it. There were 4 levels, including the rooftop, where we got a chance to see one of the helipads. This wasn't the famous one from all the pictures (that was the US Embassy), but it was still neat, and one could definitely picture the scene.

On the way out I almost missed the basement, but luckily muffin mentioned it. This place was a TREASURE TROVE of good stuff, including TONS of old equipment from the 70's (radios, typewriters, phones), as well as the presidential bed. I really can't say enough good things about the Reunification palace - it is a MUST DO for everyone that goes to Saigon.

After that, it was off to Ben Than Market, where we did some HARD CORE shopping, all on the cheap. Muffin spent a solid 10 minutes with this gal on a Prada purse, and I think we got a pretty good deal on it (the gal said, "You must buy from me and you no can walk away. Is first day of new year - customers are lucky. You no want bad luck." Really? REALLY? How often does that strategy work? I guess at least once...). NB: Since coming home, the fake leather is now stained from JT's denim skirt AND the fake leather is peeling off. $18 might have been a bit too high...

The market really was neat, and we then had a GREAT final meal before heading to the airport. We bought some $2 water (normally 25 cents), and after all was said and done, we only had 6K dong (so 30 cents) and $1 left in my wallet. I was VERY pleased. :-)

What I was NOT pleased about, however, was the fact that the flight ended up delayed for THREE @#$##$@$#@ HOURS, and we didn't get home until Midnight. That made for a ROUGH start to the week, but hey - no complaints. Plus I did get to finish Michael Palin's "Around the World in 80 Days" AND "Getting into Singapore", both of which were excellent (Evelyn - thanks again for that! Jenny finished it too!).

Well, that's Vietnam in 4 posts. I know that I've joked quite a bit, but I will say that it was an AMAZING place, and I'm so glad we went. Not only did we see amazing things, but we were reminded once again how truly blessed we are to have been born in America and to have had so many experiences that most of the world couldn't even dream of. I've always known that I was lucky, but the more I travel, the more I realize that I have NO IDEA just how truly fortunate I've been.

Okay, that's all the news that's fit to print. Chat tomorrow!

Love,

Sam and Jenny

Vietnam Part 3 - In the Delta with Dingbat...

Family,

And a good evening to you from across the globe after another GREAT DAY in the Lion City. Okay, keepin' the ball rollin', let's move to Day 3 of our Vietnam adventure - this time set in the mysterious, the majestic, the MUDDY, Mekong Delta.

So the pick-up time was 7:45 AM, and I'm happy to confirm that it was right on schedule. We booked a 2 day excurion, which meant that we were actually forfeiting a night in our current hotel. However, when you consider that the price of a tour INCLUDING TRANSPORT AND HOTEL was $28 USD a person, we figured you couldn't really pass it up.

So the bus that picks us up is great, so no complaints there. However, we are then transferred to another elf bus, which means that my right arm is glued to my chest for the entire ride. Luckily, however, I was sitting beside Muffin Puffin.

So it was at this point that we meet our guide, some cat named Dien (pronounced "Ding"). Now look, I know it's the Tet holiday. I am sure that some of the best guides are with their family. But this guy was TERRIBLE. Seriously, 2 minutes into the ride he gives us this speech (this is practically verbatim):

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Vietnam. Today we go to Mekong Delta. Mekong Delta. So we drive there for about 2 hour, forty-five minute. The drive is 2 hour, forty-five minute. It is very boring. Today will be very boring for you. I do trip every day, and it's boring. But maybe you like it. It new to you. I see every day. It boring."

REALLY? THAT is your sales pitch? FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Dien (or Dingbat as I shall henceforth refer to him) liked to repeat everything about 147 times during one of his speeches. When I quote him going forward (and DON'T YOU WORRY - I will PLENTY), notice how many times things get repeated. I know you think I'm exaggerating. I can only say that I wish I was.

On the drive to the delta, he gave us another great story:

"In Vietnam, we have mosquito. Mosquito. You know mosquito? Understand mosquito? So we have mosquito. Legend is that there was a girl dying once. She dying. Her boyfriend go to old man to ask save her. He say save her. Old man save her. She then see old man and marry him. So she become mosquito. Mosquito. And now she suck blood to live." He smiles and almost starts cackling. I am trying to think of a way off the bus.

10 minutes later, he tells us: "In Vietnam, it bad to have girl. It is better to have 1 boy than 1 thousand girls. 1 boy worth more than 1 thousand girls. But girls do what we say. Father own them. Father say - 'You! Marry him.' And they do. So if you no have boy. Keep trying."

Again - WOW...thanks for that...and welcome to the WTO.

We did get a highlight on the drive down in the form of a Vietnam specialty - THE ICED WHITE COFFEE, BABY!!!! OH YEAH!!!! In Vietnam, there is a very cool cultural aspect where most restaurants are cafes on the side of the road. The chairs are plastic, the tables are nothing more than card tables, and there are hammocks EVERYWHERE. Seriously - we kicked back for about 20 minutes, and it was GREAT. I could TOTALLY get used to the hammock culture, especially after a 4 hour commute each way on a motorbike.

Shogun - this coffee is pretty close to CIAB (made with extra sugar and condensed milk), with the following exceptions:

1. You don't get it in 14 gallon bags.

2. It isn't 783 degrees.

3. You can actually sleep that night (vs. waiting until next October).

The drive to the Delta took about 3 hours (again - a grand total of SIXTY-TWO WHOLE KILOMETERS - SERENITY NOW!!!!), but FINALLY we arrived at the Mekong Delta. This river, famous for 600 pound catfish and LOTS of mud, was very cool, and we got to spend quite a bit of time on the river, moving through the various islands and streams. Case in point, check out perfect pumpkin rocking the "Raiden hat" - TOO CUTE! But seriously, I know that the "Mortal Kombat Hat" is a stereotype, but EVERYONE had them on. They really do wear them!

The photo of Muffin was the highlight of the day for me, as we had these cats paddling us around some narrow rivers, and the palm fronds were hanging overhead and "blotting out the sun" ("Then we will fight in the shade..."naked).

During 1 stop, we were given local fruits, such as the Jack fruit, dragon fruit, etc. During that time we had a band perform traditional music for us. Now again, I'm sure that, were I more worldly, I would have found this PHENOMENAL. But instead all I could think of is "who's strangling a cat?" Dude, it was HARSH, with some seriously strained notes. You know those African tunes were the guy "kind of " screams? Well this lady full on screamed like pygmy cannibals were after her. I still have no hearing on my left side...

After all was said and done, we got back on the bus to head to our hotel for the night. I looked over at Jenny and said, "Well, the good news is that we are done driving for the night. At least we don't have another 3 hour drive like those suckers who did the one day tour."

NO SOONER HAD I SAID THAT, than Dingbat takes off his commie hat and stands up:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we now drive to Can Tho. The drive take about 2 hour, 45 minute. 2 hour, 45 minute. So we drive now. 2 hour, 45 minute." (side note - what drove me CRAZY was the fact that his tone NEVER changed). Jenny looked at me. I said a lot of bad words. I contemplated punching the window. I resolved myself to cheap beer later that night.

It actually took 2:15 to get to the hotel, but this place was CLASSIC. We had a top floor room (view was actually pretty good). So Jenny walks into the bathroom and says, "Aw, man! The shower must be downstairs." I chuckle and say, "Oh no, puffin - it's right here." Let's play "Find the Shower in Sam and Jenny's bathroom." That's right - we had a spicket (with ONLY ice cold water) and a tile ripped from the floor for the drain. Hairless - this is the spot you should take Mandy for your 10 year. Just sayin'...

That being said, the bed was comfy and the fan worked (no AC - that was extra). We also got down to the water for some FORTY-FIVE CENT BEER, but we cut it short after one due to an Aussie and an American trading war stories about "how much they both hated fighting beside those damn (insert "n" word here - REPEATEDLY)." I was so angry I could have cracked my beer bottle over their heads, but instead we just got up and left. It's too bad, as there was an AWESOME open air kitchen, but I just couldn't listen to such blatant ignorance (spewed at 150 decibels).

But all's well that ends well, as we found a place that served...wait for it...wait for it...PYTHON, BABY!!!! Oh yeah! It was so guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuud. So I sucked down "spicy snake" (no comments, please) for dinner, washed down with a Can Tho beer (it was okay).

After that it was back to bed, as we had a VERY early call with Dingbat. But again, that'll just have to keep until tomorrow.

Okay, that's all the news that's fit to print. Chat tomorrow!

Love,

Sam and Jenny

Vietnam Part 2 - From Cai Dao to Cu Chi - all at 24 mph...

Family,

And a good evening to you from across the globe after another GREAT DAY in the Lion City. Okay, before I get to the next phase of Vietnam (don't worry - I'll sum up this week on Friday's blog, as today has some GREAT moments), I simply must relate two highlights from today:

1. Sammy's visit to the gym - okay, so 2 things to mention here:

a. I get to the locker room, and this dude beside me with mane of hair halfway down his back steps to the locker beside me. The only word that keeps popping in my head is "Tonto," and I'm pretty sure he's fresh off the set of "Legends of the Fall Part 2 - Fall Harder."

Anyhoo, it's not the hair (or the FORTY FIVE MINUTES HE SPENT BRUSHING IT) that amazed me - it's the fact that HE WORKED OUT IN A DENIM SKIRT. Really? REALLY? Someone please explain that cultural phenomenon to me.

b. So I go to the bathroom, step into a stall, and there's an advertisement on the door. Now granted, this is common for dudes, right? There's always the "Enlarge your member," "Win a Corvette," or "Buy Superbowl Tikets" add on the back of the door. Not in Singapore, however. Oh now, in the Sing, what's the ad for? FULL PRICE ADVANCE TICKETS TO THE BALLET OF ROMEO AND JULIET with the caption: "Fall in love again." I mean, for the sake of all that's holy...ARE THEY SERIOUS?

2. CNY fact of the day: So today, the halfway point of CNY, is "The Birthday of Mankind." However, as I can't ever remember that, I just call it "Everybody's birthday." And the lovely and talented Evelyn Kang gave me the tip today that, on this day, you are supposed to buy long pants, as the longer the pants are, the quicker you'll become rich. Whilst fascinating, there is a fundamental problem here. I'm just about the third tallest person on this island, and all of the pants in the stores look like clam diggers on me. The longest pants I can buy MIGHT cover my calf. Oh well, good thing I'm a cheap bastard.

And so, let's kick off Vietnam Part 2 - our first day tour of the country...

So we woke up about 7:45 on Friday and were picked up by our guid for an all-day excursion to Cai Dao and Cu Chi. Cai Dao is this religious sect that has their HQ near Saigon, and Cu Chi is the location where the Vietcong had lots of underground tunnels during the war. And whilst the experiences were VASTLY different, there was one thing in commong - THE MISERABLE DRIVE TO EACH LOCATION.

So when I booked this trip, I reasoned that it would be a lot of time at each site. After all, it was only 49 miles to Cai Dao, and then you come 25 miles closer to get to Cu Chi. OH NO, BABY. That's not how traffic rolls in Saigon. A few key points:

1. Even if you had a Maseratti, the speed limit ON THE INTERSTATE is 50 km (31 mph) an hour. That's going FLAT OUT.

2. You can never GO FLAT OUT because there are only 2 lanes - one for oversized buses that are all breaking down, and one for the 145 BILLION MOTOR SCOOTERS ON THE ROAD.

3. The lanes don't really exist. There is a white strip on the ground, but no one has any idea what it's for.

4. Side note - the seats in this bus were built for elves, and since Jenny and I got picked up last, we didn't even get to sit together. Translation - I WAS LAYING ON TOP OF SOME THAI CHICK WHO SPOKE NO ENGLISH FOR ABOUT 12 HOURS. Good times...

So our tour guide spoke reasonable English, which is why I heard him say "Our 60 mile drive will take 3 hours today, but you'll get to the church in time to see service. Services start tomorrow."

Totally confused, I look at Jenny with the face that she recognizes as "Sam just spent money to see a church service that isn't happening - he might kill this dude." However, we soon realized that he got his English words confused and meant "Services started yesterday." Lucky him...

He also had the classic statement of "We will make a bathroom break so you can release your trouble." We all chuckled. But then he followed it up with "After you make peepee, we continue on." Really? Did you learn English from a teletubby video?

So Cai Dao was, in a word, bizarre. For starters, it was billed as "the most colorful celebration in Vietnam." If that's the case, they might want to invest in more crayons. I mean, yes - there were some dudes and chicks dressed in red, yellow, and blue, but most cats were in white. All the same, it was cool to watch them process in chanting whilst some cat in the front pounded on a gong like it was his job (which, in retrospect, I guess it was, so good for him).

The service isn't too impressive. They all sit on the floor chanting whilst a small group of cats in the back does some singing. It was weird because all these tourists were just gathered in the row above snapping photos, which I have to think these guys and gals found annoying. The worst instance was when one of the worshippers was sitting on the floor prior to going into the temple only to have some DONKEY American put his camera right in his face and say,"Hello!?! HE-LLO!!!!!" The worshipper finally looked up, only to be blinded by the flash from the man's camera. We're nothing if not a classy nation.

The service took about 30 minutes, and I am glad that we went. The decorations were cool, and hearing the music was very interesting. But I simply must comment about their beliefs. Now, I know that I believe in some crazy stuff (translation - ROSWELL DID HAPPEN! Trust me, mom!), but the 3 saints of this religion? It's an interesting list:

1. Sun Yat Zen - Yes, the same cat who wrote "The Art of War." Interesting...

2. Victor Hugo - YES, the SAME CAT WHO WROTE LES MISERABLES. Incidentally, he's the patron saint of creative missions abroad. Not really sure what else to say about that one, other than WOW.

3. Some Vietnamese Poet - that one I can get behind, so I guess 1 out of 3 ain't bad.

After the service, we rolled over to the Cu Chi Tunnels, which was one of the neater things that we did the entire trip. Now again, not too wax philosophical, but I think this place would be VERY difficult to walk through if you'd actually fought here. Not only is the propaganda THICK all over the place, but the National Defense Sport Shooting Range is located here, and so the ENTIRE TIME you're walking through this forest, you hear shooting in the background. And we're not talking pellet guns. We're talking AK-47 (FULL...METAL...JACKET...), M-160 machine guns, the works. And NO - in case anyone's curious, I did NOT fire anything. After all, Hitman - bullets are normally cheaper than animals, but not in this case!

So you start the tour with a video from 1967 sponsored by the Russians, performed by the Vietnamese, and for the English speaking world. It shows the VC who fought in the tunnels, giving their backstory. Again, it was pretty ANTI-AMERICAN. Case in point (this is pretty much word for word):

"This is Lee Liu. She is 16, but she always fights with the men. The American enemy killed her father, and so she is now fighting the American enemy. She has won 3 medals, including":

1. Killing soldiers of the American enemy

2. Destroying tanks of the American enemy

3. Fighting back against the American enemy (not sure how that's NOT already covered in 1 and 2, but whatever)

This went on for about 15 minutes, and it was...interesting. I will say that the tunnels themselves were FASCINATING. They were 3 levels deep, complete with kitchens, hospitals, and even an underwater exit. It really was amazing. As to the size of the openings? Check out this photo. Tell me that muffin puffin isn't the cutest thing EVER in her little hideout?

We also saw some of the traps (quite viscious), and as a highlight - we actually got to go through one of the tunnels! KO - you were right - those things were PITCH BLACK for 100 meters, and my back and knees were pretty much broken. Honestly, it was about 16 TRILLION degrees down there, and when I found out that they'd actually WIDENED them for Western visitors, I was shocked. Seriously, you just can't imagine how tiny these were. I mean, check me out trying to fit in (I made it, for the record - but just barely...)

After the tunnels, we rolled home, where we found an AMAZING place to eat. MAD PROPS to Perfect Pumpkin for finding this place. Here's the deal:

1. You pick your meat, which comes out RAW, rubbed in garlic, and marinated in soy sauce. We picked beef, ostrich, and crocodile (just like the kind Lynda Grimshaw buys in the supermarket in South Africa).

2. They bring a flaming BBQ stand to your table, and you go CRAZY cooking.

3. You wash it all down with...wait for it...wait for it...FIFTY CENT BEERS, BABY!!!!! BOOYAH!!!!! It was heaven in a 12 ounce bottle! WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!!!! I have no lie to tell - we put on a CLINIC, and they never knew what hit 'em.

We then wandered down the main square, where we climbed this MEGA PYRAMID OF FLOWERS, offering a GREAT view of City Hall. True, we were the only cats without children on the walk, but hey - details...

Lastly, we hit up a cafe for 3 dollar mojitos (I managed a Long Island as well) - MAN, how have I missed cheap booze (don't worry mom - no Tubes to worry about :-)).

After that it was lights out, as we had another early call. THAT, however, will just have to wait until tomorrow.

Okay, that's all the news that's fit to print. Chat tomorrow!

Love,

Sam and Jenny

And so begins Typhoon Taylor's tour of Southeast Asia - Vietnam Part 1...

Family,

And a good evening to you from across the globe after another GREAT DAY in the Lion City. Team Taylor is back from Vietnam, all I can say is WOW - Southeast Asia is another world. But I get ahead of myself. Let's just say that a) so much happens in 1 day here that you almost have to do a day-by-day retelling of events, and b) I really, really don't think anyone will be disappointed by the stories.

But first, 2 points of order:

1. A lot of you have expressed concern about my recent i-Tunes debacle and inability to download Katy Perry's Teenage Dream album. I am THRILLED to report that, thanks to the magical fingers of an Indian dude named Balaji (who was ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTED to help me resolve my issue), I am now back up and running, and even have "Raise Your Glass" by Pink to show for it. Balaji was, in short, THE DEFINITION of customer service. Some of his best quotes (in our 4 email exchange):

1. "Mr. Taylor, I am so sorry for this. Like you, one of the most frustrating parts of my life is when I cannot download the music I want when I want it. Please accept my apology on behalf of i-Tunes."

2. "Mr. Taylor, I sincerely apologize, as I realize there is nothing in life more disappointing than not being able to select and purchase your favorite music. However, I have been forced to escalate this to our fraud team."

3. "Mr. Taylor, I am SO PLEASED to report that you are back up and running. It is wonderful to hear that everything is working for you. Please email me any time you need anything, and I hope that I have resolved this matter to your satisfaction."

Seriously - that cat was DA HOOK UP. Diggity.

2. I would like to formally welcome the newest member of the blog readership, Evelyn Kang, to the family. A Singapore citizen and office resident, Evelyn is a teammate of mine and almost solely responsible for 2 things: a) teaching me EVERYTHING I KNOW about Benefits in Asia and b) keeping me from the twin terror fates of being caned and/or deported. Should you have questions about the marriage of the mice, what the word "lah" means, or the real translation of "Ang mo," she's the person to go to.

And now, without further ado, Team Taylor presents the first installment of Vietnam - the land of communism, 678 billion motor scooters, cheap beer, and one VERY lousy tour guide.

Thursday: It's Tet the holy day! Yay!!!!! And to welcome you - we close EVERYTHING

So the day started early - a 4:15 wake-up call for a 5 AM cab to the airport. Which Terminal, you ask? Well, not Terminals 1, 2, or 3 associated with Changi airport. Oh no - the cheap ass jokers fly out of a BOMB SHELTER about 10 minutes away known OFFICIALLY as "the budget terminal." Translation: "You are too cheap to fly Singapore air, so we will put you in a warehouse formerly reserved for lepers.

However, who can complain when, at 5 AM, you are chomping down on a McGriddle, baby!!!! OH YEAH!!!!! Fake egg, cat sausage, corn syrup - give this guy the works.

The flight, I must confess, was very smooth. Tiger Airways was VERY professional and VERY on-time. And in keeping with this, the on-line visa was MONEY BALL 5000. Seriously cheap and easy. All in all - full marks. But then, as things must do, the experience starts to turn.

So JT and I are about to rock up to immigration when this crazy ass Thai dude stops us. Instantly my brain thinks "BROKEDOWN PALACE - COCKROACH IN EAR!" and I panic. However, we soon learn that, whilst he can speak (about 7 words of) English, he can't read it, meaning he has NO IDEA how to fill out the customs form. So Muffin and I take turns helping this cat spell his name, write his nationality, etc, until he says:

Sketchball Thai Dude (STD - no pun intended): "I hear visiting friend. I no known name. Can I write your hotel?"

Team Taylor: (Simultaneously) "Um, No."

STD: "I no know what to say!" (starts laughing)

Team Taylor: (Simultaneously) "Write his name."

STD: "You help?"

Team Taylor: (Simultaneously) "Goodbye!"

Sure enough, we see this cat 10 minutes later whilst waiting for a cab.

STD: "I no know how call friend. You have phone?"

Team Taylor: (Simultaneously) "No."

STD: "Maybe you help find?" (starts laughing)

Team Taylor: (Simultaneously) "No."

That pretty much ended that friendship/drug scam. And speaking of getting picked up, we cleared arrivals, walked into the NINETY DEGREE HEAT, and walked through the MAZE of screaming people, only to find that NO ONE had a sign that said "Samwise Taylor." However, upon a second walk through, we DID notice the ONE CAT who was not actually HOLDING HIS SIGN OUTWARD but staring at it as though it contained the truth behind the Celestine Prophecy whilst talking on his mobile phone from 1961 (like I have any room to talk - at least he wasn't in plaid). I leaned over him, saw our name, shook him out of his coma, and 10 minutes later we were en route.

Now I will describe traffic in future blogs because, well, IT IS EPIC IN VIETNAM. For now, I'll just stick to describing one aspect of road life in Vietnam - MOTOR SCOOTERS. Some key points:

1. All of these scooters are smaller than the "Big Wheel" you rode when you were 4 years old. Then again, odds are you were taller than most of these folks when you were 4 years old.

2. If you are riding on a scooter, the following is MANDATORY:
a. You are wearing a mask over your face.
b. You have gloves on.
c. You are wearing socks and sandals (Jill Hewitt style).
d. You WILL NOT STOP FOR ANYTHING OR OBEY ANY TRAFFIC SIGN OR LAW. Seriously - ALL ROAD SIGNS AND TRAFFIC LIGHTS ARE SUGGESTIONS.
e. NO ONE can ride a scooter alone. You must be accompanied by 14 pieces of luggage, 27 children (standing up and tied to daddy), at least 1 dog, 4 cases of beer, your wife (sitting side-saddle) and some appliance.
f. Helmets are required. After all - safety first!

You would just have to see it to belive it - I'm NOT joking.

The hotel was great, and things were going swimmingly until we cracked open the guidebook that noted "Don't visit Saigon during Tet, as EVERYTHING will be closed." AWESOME.

That being said, we were soon out the door and roaming around District 1. This section, which was the heart of the government quarter and the true HQ for American forces and the South Vietnamese Government during the war, has some AMAZING achitecture. Case in point - check out City Hall (with the statue of Ho Chi Minh in front, saving the children, of course). As fate would have it, this year was a rare one in which "National Day" (which celebrates the anniversary of the communist party) falls on the same day as Tet (the Vietnamese New Year). Consequently, I was right at home with my fellow workers of the world, fighting against the West in the ultimate struggle against capitalism!!!!

In all honestly, EVERYONE was looking at Whitey when I took this photo. Some were laughing. Most weren't. Let's just say we didn't stick around too long under the hammer and the sickle. Hitman - I must confess - I took this one for you. Has your fence been painted yet? Just curious...

National was cool, and there were lights, colors, and flags everywhere. Ho Chi Minh's face is ALL OVER THIS CITY, which I guess is appropriate since it's called Ho Chi Minh City. However, the locals still call it Saigon and refuse to say anything else.

After celebrating the struggle of the proletariat, we walked over to a large park where Sammy the Bull crossed off one of life's to do's - A FISH PEDICURE, BABY!!!! Okay, so for those of you that don't know, here's how this works: you put your NASTY ASS FEET in a tub of dirty water with OTHER nasty ass feet, surrounded by about a thousand fish. You let your feet settle and quit moving, and then the magic happens.

Suddenly TONS of fish latch on to you and start eating the dead skin off your body. I was clearly nasty as HELL, because they COULDN'T GET ENOUGH OF ME. I mean, check out the action my dogs were seeing! It should be noted that Muffin Puffin tried this as well, and it was pretty much her own version of Hell. She screamed about 589 times, jerked her feet out of the water 314, and pretty much looked like she wanted to annul the marriage right then and there. Luckily 75 cents only bought you 15 minutes, so I was home free.

After the fish feast, we rolled over to the Reunification Palace, only to find out that it was closed (it actually wasn't we later discovered - they just close for lunch). Consequently we rolled over to the War Remnants Museum, which is dedicated to "the struggle for Vietnamese Independence and freedom against the oppressive tyranny of the American and French armies." It was, in a word, interesting.

Now obviously I try to keep this blog very light, but that's obviously tough given a) some of our history in Vietnam and b) some of the images on display in the museum. Members of my own family commented "Who in the world vacations in Vietnam?", and I realize that a lot of people would have trouble visiting here for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is the memory of the Vietnam war and the images/recollections associated with it. Rather than wax philosophical one way or the other, I'll just say that a) I'm glad I've been, b) I'll never go back, c) I think it would be an IMPOSSIBLE museum to go through if you were a veteran, and d) when it was over, I REALLY needed a beer. But on a much lighter note, I got a really kick off photo in front of this helicopter (as well as a few by fighter jets and tanks - good times).

After the museum, we walked over to the Jade Pagoda, which was OUT OF CONTROL. You see, during the first 3 days of Tet, you are supposed to go to the temple to pray and remember the spirits of your ancestors. What that really means is:

1. You and 19 BAGILLION of your closest friends go into a pitch black temple build for about 11 people.

2. You get run over by the 483,000 motor bikes that are parking in the pavillion.

3. You light 4700 incense sticks and practically set yourself and everyone else on fire.

4. You stand around a goldfish pond FILLED with dead fish, whilst some dude keeps fishing them out of this all green pond. Rinse-repeat CONSTANTLY day-in and day-out.

5. You get so much smoke in your eyes that you feel you're sky-diving through the atmosphere of Venus.

Needless to say, after that we were bushed, and so we walked back towards the hotel stopping en route for som

e TWO DOLLAR BEER, BABY!!!! Local stuff - Bia 333. It was basically Miller Lite...but still slightly better. Oh, and we did get this photo of the power grid - AMAZING.

After a shower and watching some Badmitton (Yang S defeated Yang Y, for the record - to quote Schill Dog: "The shuttlecock can move at speeds of over 200 mph - the GAME HAS MERIT!" - Randy - your best line EVER...after the train to Dublin...just sayin'...), we hit the Rex Hotel's rooftop garden bar for some delicious mojitos and a view of the CRAZY New Year's crowd's and celebrations. I have NEVER SEEN SO MANY PEOPLE AND SO MANY SCOOTERS in a constant stream for so long - OUT OF CONTROL.

After some street good on the way home (different kinds of colored - AND UBER TASTY - rice), Team Taylor sacked out around 11, a GREAT first day in the books.

Okay, that's all the news that's fit to print. Chat tomorrow!

Love,

Sam and Jenny

Goodbye Tiger - Heeeellllloooooooo Bunny!!!!

Family,

And a good evening to you from across the globe after another GREAT DAY in the Lion City. Okay, so first off - ANNOUNCEMENT (you know you've been waiting for this) - there will be NO BLOG after tonight until Tuesday evening (Sing Time) on 8 February. Why, you ask? Because Team Taylor is off to wrestle 600 pound catfish, eat food hotter than a nuclear reactor, find out how trim I am by running around Vietcong tunnels, and risk life and limb by crossing the street amidst about 20 BILLION SCOOTERS in Saigon, baby!!!! Oh yeah - let the travel begin!

So it's Chinese New Year's Eve tonight, which means that, at midnight, this place is going to BLOW UP. We are talking fireworks, screaming, parties - the whole 9 yards. Normally that would be wicked awesome. However, given that Team Taylor has to be up at 4 AM to catch their taxi, it's less than ideal for us.

In case anyone's curious - we just ended the year of the Tiger and are now entering the year of the Rabbit. That feels appropriate, as I feel someone needs to hook me up to a perpetual supply of Energizer batteries if I'm going to continue on my current pace for the next 11 months. I am LOVING the job and LOVING the work, but the pace of business coupled with 1/2 marathon training doesn't leave a lot of time for sleeping. But hey - details. And speaking of sleeping, apparently the legend on New Year's eve states that the longer you stay awake, the longer your parents will live. Mom, Dad, Tacy's - we really, really, really LOVE you guys - but we're just gonna put our faith in genetics and history and hope for the best. :-)

I will say that, with hopefully at least a LITTLE karma coming my way, I arrived home tonight to find a package from the condo mgmt company. What kind of package, do you ask? Well, it wasn't exactly a red envelope, but it did bring CNY goodies, was called "a red envelope for you" (but where' the damn CASH?!?!?!?), and came with oranges (they symbolize good luck apparently). And what was inside this little box of goodness, you ask? About 600 little cakes filled with an odd green goo. But hey, it's the holidays in the tropics, so I'm not complaining...

Oh, and Miller - in case you're curious, guess who's now the owner of all those fine "lead based toys" that you refused to take back to your children. You're just plain WEAK if you ask me. Dinger - to quote the Dude: "Tell me this doesn't tie the room together."

Dinner tonight was actually IN our building, as we rolled over to Hog's Breath (I mean, it's better than no breath at all...) for cheap pints and "American-Australian" fare (VERY CNY, I know).

It's truly a novel experience for us, and I can't WAIT to see what the Vietnamese equivalent (Tet, which some of you will of course know because of the offensive in '68) will bring in a city of 11 million people with no discernible traffic grid.

Lastly, it should be noted that, after a VERY frumpy week, 2 beers and 2 days off work has FINALLY brought back my Muffin Puffin's good spirits. I am happy to report that Funny Cackle Jenny (FCJ) is back!

Okay, that's all the news that's fit to print. Great stories and culture clashes ahead! Chat on Tuesday!

Love,

Sam and Jenny

Expect plenty more of these: Lost in Translation Moments #2...

Family,

And a good evening to you from across the globe after another GREAT DAY in the Lion City. Sammy the Bull had another VERY productive day at Harbourfront, and all is slowly getting right with the world. It was also a good day in the gym, as I tagged 4 miles in 35:43. Now granted, I realize that's just under a 9 minute mile pace. However, given that it was the 3rd day of exercise in a row and the second straight day after the 7 mile run (normally I take a day after my long run), I was still pleased.

And so, given that it was a quiet night, I present you with the second installment of Sammy's "Lost in Translation" moments...

LIT Moment #1: Sammy's 1st Chinese Lesson (thanks for the reminder, Jackie)

So in an effort to a) better integrate with the locals and b) win the affection of my team by showing how rapidly this Ang Mo can integrate, last week during our team meeting I instituted "Sammy's Chinese Lessons for the Week." Basically it's a series of 4 or 5 words or phrases that I'd like to know just for every day conversation. I mean, we all know that I'm already 100% fluent in Spanish and German, so I figured, "What's one more simple language?" Let me give you a brief recap of the conversation:

Sammy the Master Linguist (SML): "Okay, let's start with the word 'hello.' How would I say that?"

Team (uneasy looks around the table before one speaks): "Um, you would say 'Hello.'"

SML (prepared for this): "Yeah, but if I went to the Hawker Center and wanted to say hello, what would I say?"

Team: "Hello." (for the record - NO LAUGHTER. NO JOKES. These cats are NOT kidding and seriously think they're giving me the answer I'm looking for - QUALITY).

SML: "Okay, let's skip that one. How do I say 'thank you?'"

Team: "Ah, we just say 'thank you.'"

SML: (trying to remind calm whilst Jackie fights back the world's LARGEST GRIN beside me) "Riiiiiight. But if the person doesn't speak English."

Team: "Oh, they will. It's Singapore. Everyone speaks English. We just say thank you."

SML "AWESOME. How about 'beer?' What would I say?"

Team: "Beer." (STILL DEAD SERIOUS. I am DYING HERE, FERRIS. MOTHER OF MERCY, I DON'T SPEAK JAPANESE!!!! HELEN, CALL THE EMBASSY!!!!!)

SML: "I'm doing really well here, huh?" (laughter, which means they probably had NO IDEA what I just said) "Let's try - 'how are you?'"

Team: "Ah, that's a good one."

SML: "Oh, that's good." (translation - ABOUT DAMN TIME) "How do I say it?"

Team: "Nee owww ma."

SML: (picture this coming through my molasses accent) "Niiiiiiiii uhhhhhhh MA!"

(SILENCE IN THE ROOM)

SML: "Oh dear. What did I say?"

Team: "Um, you don't do it that way. That way is scolding the person."

SML: "So if I say it that way, I just yelled at the guy feeding me?" (nods all around)

In short - Sammy will stick to English and "Singlish" whilst here - at least until I win the bet on number of days until caning.

LIT Moment #2: Business Card Etiquette

Okay, so I have no lie to tell - EVERYONE IN SINGAPORE HAS A BUSINESS CARD (or "name card"). I have been here a month, and so far at least 47,894 people have given me a business card. Because a) I can't remember anyone's name, b) I can't pronounce the name even when I see it, and c) I still have NO IDEA WHO ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE, I have made it a practice to immediate write the person's role, manger, and relationship to me on their card the second I receive it (it is ALWAYS handed to you with 2 hands, for the record; you should receive it with 2 hands as well. I remember this fact about .0000001% of the time). Once the information is procured, I put the card in my shirt pocket for safe keeping. To date, this has seemed very logical. That is, of course, until I opened the book "Getting into Singapore" (Evelyn - this book is HILAROUS! Thank you SO MUCH), a book written by an American with a specific chapter dedicated to the rules of business cards. He emphasizes 3 key points:

1. When you are presented a business card, ALWAYS offer one back. (NOTE - I don't OWN a business card, so I am about 0 for 237 in adherence to this).

2. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, DO NOT WRITE ON THE BUSINESS CARD, ESPECIALLY IN FRONT OF THE PERSON OFFERING IT TO YOU. Yeah.....about that....do I at least get points for cursive?

3. Stare at the card for at least a minute before speaking. When you do speak, say something nice about the card (title, degrees earned, font size - WHATEVER). Whatever you do, DO NOT PUT IT IN YOUR SHIRT POCKET.

Hitman, all I could think about was you dropping the bomb on me that every time I was saying "Thanks a bunch" to Gideon it was being translated to @#$# YOU!!! Good times...

LIT Moment #3: Can a brother get a confirmation?

So as I mentioned yesterday, Muffin Puffin and I are going to Viet Nam for vacation this week. As I hadn't yet received confirmation from our hotel yet about the airport pickup, I shot them an email today. They responded that they couldn't find a reservation for Sam Taylor, which of course immediately prompted a phone call (since it had CERTAINLY hit my credit card). Again, the conversation:

Sammy the Tourist (ST): "Yes, I emailed earlier about my reservation."

Broken English Lady at Reception (BELR): "What day you arrive?"

ST: "Thursday."

BELR: "Tursday!?!?!?!"

ST: "Yes - Thursday, 3 February."

BELR: "You bookernut."

ST: "I'm sorry?"

BELR: "You BOOK ER NUT." (clearly getting pissed off)

ST: "My apologies - one more time?"

BELR: "BOOK ER NUT!!!!!" (BEEFCAKE!!!! It's honestly all I could think)

ST: "Ah, yes, I did book on the internet."

BELR: "Ah, I find you. You speak wrong earlier." (THE NERVE!!!!)

ST: "I did?"

BELR: "Yes, you say you Sam Taylor. You no Sam Taylor. You Samuel Taylor. He have reservation. You no have."

ST: "I AM Samuel Taylor. Mr. Samuel Taylor."

BELR: "You no say in email. But it fine now. We pick you up. You pay!"

ST: "Yep - got that part. So I'm confirmed."

BELR: "Thank you. Ba bah......" (CLICK)

Miller - it might as well have been: "You're welcome." (THUD)

All in all, it's just another week in the Sing. :-)

Okay, that's all the news that's fit to print. Chat tomorrow!

Love,

Sam and Jenny